Nobody can break me; I'm already broken

“I wonder how many people don’t get the one they want, but end up with the one they’re supposed to be with.”

– Fannie Flagg, Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe (via hqlines)

(via teenvogues)

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for how much I have hurt you while I was hurting, in ways that other people would never understand.”

The Parts of Me that will Stay Hidden (to Most People)

23rd September 2014; 9.59pm; Tuesday

I am emotional. And everyone knows that I’m extremely emotional. Because that’s the way I portray myself to be. That’s the part of me I’m willing to let people see, let people judge and say all that they want. 

I am eccentric. I say the most ridiculous things to people. Sometimes, certain things I say jokingly make people uncomfortable, as they don’t really know how to react to me. I am negative, so negative that perhaps I might qualify for “The Most Negative Person on Earth” in the Guinness World Record. 

I love to tell people the worst things about me. And don’t ask me why I do it. Even my best friends can’t really understand. Because I’m scared of people’s expectations of me. My logic is, if I paint myself in the worst possible light (sometimes, exaggerating a little bit, but all are based on true facts), then when they get to know me better, they will realise, “hey, she’s not so bad after all!”. That is so much better than if I paint myself in a good light, and after they have gotten to know me better, they start to avoid me and think, “what?! So that’s how she’s like.” You know? Maybe you don’t. But it’s okay. I don’t expect you to understand.

I am aloof, and anti-social. That is a known fact. And it’s true that I just don’t really like to interact with people. It’s just too draining and physically exhausting on me. Most of the time, I roam around in school, not wanting to care about my surroundings. Which is the reason why I usually don’t notice people and say hi to them first. I just have way too many things on my mind.

People assume I’m smart because of my academic achievements. Or rather, past academic achievements. Since I should really be studying right now instead of typing here. And I sometimes make jokes about my own intelligence, which probably come across as being a little too haughty. What they don’t know is, I joke about myself when I feel uncomfortable and uneasy. It’s better to make other people laugh, or maybe annoyed, so they won’t notice my discomfort.

Everyone says I’m an open book. And that’s because my emotions are easy to read. But that’s exactly how I want it to be. I mean, it’s just too tiring to have to hide every part of myself to the world. If I keep everything inside me, the monsters will just eat me alive and I would become nothing, not even a waste of space.

But there are many other things that most people don’t know about me, or maybe they know, but they don’t the extent of it.

It is so damn easy to hurt me. To crush me alive. To make me feel completely helpless and depressed. I guess I somehow portray this part of me to others, but they will never know the extent of this. I get hurt so easily it’s ridiculous. And it all stems from the fact that I have too high expectations. Because I’m willing to do that for my friends, I kind of expect them to do that for me, subconsciously. I mean, I don’t go around consciously thinking, “hey! I did this for so and so, she must return me the favour.” but I feel extremely hurt when I need him/her to be there, and he/she couldn’t. I just get too attached to people easily. 

Everytime I made a new friend, I’m wary. But once I get to know him/her better, I give the person my whole entire heart. Just laying it there. Even if I know that the person may not take good care of it. This goes the same for relationships. I tend to be willing to give my all, in the initial stages. But I guess I give up too easily. Relationships are just one aspect of my life which I could never fathom. 

Most people don’t know that when I deem them as my closest friends, I would do anything for them. Within moral boundaries, of course. And I’ll never let them know, because I don’t really want to be taken advantage of and be hurt again. So I portray myself to be somebody who would never be taken advantage of, somebody who’s really selfish and self-centered. But they will never know, that if they ever need me, in whatever ways I could, I would be.

Some people who really don’t know me think I’ve got it easy. My grades, that is. Other things, well, I don’t really have them. But what they don’t know is how much I have sacrificed back in my younger days just to achieve stellar results. I give up on opportunities for me to pursue my interests and passion. And that aspect is also what others don’t know about me. That my dream is never to become a doctor, or a lawyer, or even an accountant. I want to be an international runway model. Because then I can feed my innate needs for superficiality? Haha, nahhhh. There’s just a certain charm about runway models. They aren’t exactly pretty. Well, not all. But they exude the kind of aloofness, confidence that screams sexiness out of their every pore. And that’s who I aspire to be. This. Is. Absolutely. Stupid. At least, that’s what most people say. Because I can be that way even if I’m not a runway model. I have friends who laugh at me and said, “don’t be dumb and waste your brain.” whenever I tell them about my stupid dream. 

So now I don’t say anything. And although I keep failing, I’m still going to try. I mean, after all, you only lived once. And even if I never make it at all, I’ll not regret that I didn’t try it when I’m younger. Totally trying to make myself feel better now.

There are other things which I did in the past that I didn’t tell others. I don’t do it now, because it absolutely solves nothing at all. But I used to think that the best way for me to release the pain and hurt I feel inside my heart is through physical pain. So you can make your own assumptions at what I have done. 

And while I portray myself to be someone who seems to be quite open about things done by teenagers/young adults in popular culture, i.e. smoking, taking drugs, having sex etc. I’m in fact someone who only likes to make noise about it, but would never dare to do it. Well, drinking is another case altogether. Because the feeling of being able to escape reality momentarily is unparalleled. 

The rest of the world will continue to see the parts of me that I’m willing to let them see. And if you are one of the lucky few who can really see who I am, then really, you must be one of my closest friends in the world.

And I love you. in a way it’s possible for a human to love another human, without any romantic connotations. Thank you for standing by me all these while.

“Sometimes you meet someone, and it’s so clear that the two of you, on some level belong together. As lovers, or as friends, or as family, or as something entirely different. You just work, whether you understand one another or you’re in love or you’re partners in crime. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive. I don’t know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in something.”

– Unknown (via felicefawn)

(Source: wordsalawidder, via bearcca)